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| BBHQ Boomer Essays: |
| Our Boomer-In-Charge here at BBHQ, Hershel Chicowitz, writes frequently about current events... from a boomer perspective. He is sometimes funny, sometimes provocative, sometimes a little of each. We hope you get a kick out of our Boomer Essays. |
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About a year and a half ago I wrote about "our house" -- sort of a state of the BBHQ compound report. This week I have an update... and some advice on home improvement projects -- lessons learned the hard way.
I've got a theory: you should move either once a year... or never. Moving once a year keeps you lean and efficient. But if you stay in the same place for more than a decade or so, you will probably accumulate so much stuff that it would take you forever to pack it all up. There are, however, certain advantages to being a permanent squatter.
The same thing could be said about nearly any kind of home improvement project. If you keep changing things, your house and your stuff stays fresh and orderly, though you have to keep on your toes. If, on the other hand, you let things around you settle, you may become very comfortable with your environment. But it is enormously embarrassing when you finally shuffle things around and clean house.
Such was the case when, after 22 years of blessed stability, I was forced to acknowledge that my house needed a major overhaul. While showing the house to a contractor, he saw my private stash in the spare bedroom: coke... nine 24-can cases of the real thing.... and 32 rolls of toilet tissue -- industrial-size Charmin.
Well... there was a sale, and I had cash in my pocket... Oh, never mind.
Given that the flat roof over the family room was leaking in several places, I decided to start replacing with the family room roof. Also, the shingles on the rest of the house were 22 years old, so I figured I should replace them as well.
Three weeks and twelve thousand dollars later, my overhaul will probably end with the roof project. All I did was pay out the money, but the agony was so awful I just wanna' crawl in a hole and hibernate for the next 20 years.
But I have learned a few things from this horrible experience. Perhaps these tips will help some of you:
1. Never... never allow a builder to construct a flat roof. It is his idea of perpetual employment; for you, it is a perpetual nightmare. I only wish I could beat the heck out of the schmuck who allowed a builder to install a flat roof on my family room 22 years ago. The only problem is that that schmuck is.... me.
Well, it was another lifetime; I was just a kid. But never again!
2. The final cost of the project will likely be about fifty percent more than the original contract amount.
Think of the contract as a starting point, not a firm commitment. To the contractor, it is a framework, a living document. When the contractor says the roof is larger than he thought and it will cost a grand more, just smile and get out your checkbook. If you attempt to hold the contractor to the original written amount, he will just stop work on your roof until the lawyers are done fighting it out. And you know how long that could take. Recognize that no matter how right you may be, once the workers start tearing up your roof, you are powerless. That is just the way it is. Knowledge is power. Know up front that you are powerless.
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3. The first, fastest, and most competent thing the contractor will do is
place his sign prominently in your front yard. Removing it will be the
last thing he does before he leaves you alone. Marvel at the structure,
placement and magnificence of the sign. And remember, it is the exception
that proves the rule. 4. Dust: A little dust is a bad thing. But a lot of dust can serve as an effective adhesive. I learned this while I was taking some pictures and Christmas plates off the wall in anticipation of the banging that was sure to occur. The nails that had held them in place had long since been eaten away. But a circle of dust around each one held them firmly in place. So the lesson here is to dust once a week... or not at all. I lean toward not at all. |
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5. The highly skilled roofing experts will likely believe that they are also landscape artists. Expect them to scatter little, round, green plastic plugs with sharp nails sticking out of them around your yard. Do not expect the nails to grow and blossom; do expect them to poke through your shoes when you walk about the yard. Make certain you have plenty of Band Aids available. And never, never go outside in your bare feet. Those days are over.
6. Also expect the roofers to leave other little party favors for you. Listen carefully when you get out of your car in the garage. If you hear a whistling sound coming from the left, rear tire of your car, you'll know you have found one of them. Before you begin any home improvement project involving nails, make certain that your spare tire is in good shape.
7. Let the workers know that you have a large, vicious dog. (If you don't have one... rent one for the duration.) Allow the dog to run loose in the yard at all times. This will help keep the workers up on the roof where they belong, not down on the ground, looking up to admire their work.
8. Just because the roofers have taken charge, do not assume that your leaky roof problems are over. Each afternoon before they leave, ask them what your exposure is if it should rain. If, somewhere in mid-project, they should forget to temporarily shield your exposed roof from the elements, the leak in the family room could, all of the sudden, seem very minor, in comparison.
This is my dining room ceiling, resting comfortably on my dining room table (on the right), just inches away from a 125 year-old sideboard.
Before I began my home improvement project, the dining room was just fine. Now, it looks just like the family room. This is not what I call "improvement."
In the 70s I packed my bags, put everything I owned in my Buick Opel Kadette, and moved from Washington, D.C. to Tampa, Florida. If I had to move today, it would take an aircraft carrier to haul all my stuff.
Clearly, I am one of the squatters.
I can live with that. But I have had all the alleged "home improvement" I can stand.
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The saga continues:
Our House - Part 1 |
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If you like what we're doing here at BBHQ, please help us by buying stuff through our link to Amazon.com:
| The BBHQ Album of the Month is "Old Friends Live on Stage (Deluxe Edition) (2 CD/1 DVD)," by Simon & Garfunkel. If you were fortunate enough to see them in concert last year, I do not have to sell you. The concert was terrific! This album collection includes 55 songs, plus their new recording, "Citizen of the Planet," and one of the songs sung by the Everly Brothers during the concert. The DVD was recorded during their concert in Madison Square Garden in 2003. For any S&G fan, this is a must have! But then, you knew that already, didn't you? |
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The BBHQ Book of the Month is
"Vinyl Highway," by
Dee Dee Phelps. You remember her as Dee Dee, of Dick and Dee Dee.
Together, they took a decade long ride on the rock and roll roller
coaster. It was a heck of a ride! Dick Clark, Quincy Jones, the Beach
Boys, Glenn Campbell, Dionne Warwick, Bobby Vinton... Dick and Dee Dee
rubbed shoulders with all of them. This is her "behind the scenes" story.
It's pretty cool.
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