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| The BBHQ Boomer Essays: |
| Our Boomer-In-Charge here at BBHQ, Hershel Chicowitz, writes frequently about current events... from a boomer perspective. He is sometimes funny, sometimes provocative, sometimes a little of each. We hope you get a kick out of our Boomer Essays. |
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Last week I talked with a friend who teaches high school science. I loved science, but I opted out of biology and went straight to chemistry. In biology, they made you dissect frogs; in chemistry, you could make bombs. I choose bombs. (Actually it was just baking soda and vinegar; very mild by today's standards.) Anyway, last week my friend was preparing to teach students how to properly deploy and employ... condoms. That stunned me. I knew they were handing them out at the infirmary like cough drops, but I had no idea they are actually teaching kids how to use them. She explained that she didn't particularly like the idea, but that's what she was told to teach. After all, kids are going to have sex; there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. So you may as well make sure they do it correctly. It's for their safety, she explained; it's for the children.
Now, wait just a cotton pickin' minute! I've got several objections to this. And one of them is why kids have to be taught how to use condoms in the first place. I mean, it's pretty obvious, isn't it? Do you really need lessons on the proper deployment of a condom? And if some kid is so dim-witted that he doesn't know how to use one, shouldn't we be much more concerned about other basic skills and knowledge he may lack... like how to tie his shoe laces? This is a kid who in a short 2-3 years may be wearing one of those paper hats, taking orders, and making change at McDonald's. Shouldn't we first be teaching him what a plain burger is? (That's an inside reference, friends. Bear with me.)
Anyway, it occurred to me that there are several other health concerns that come before the proper installation of condoms that the schools ought to be teaching. I read in the paper last week that three people were seriously hurt when two teenagers held up a convenience store. I suggest that the schools focus on where the real problems are, and armed robbery seems to be a far more pressing problem. So how about a 6-week course on the proper way to conduct a hold-up? After all, isn't that more dangerous than a hot and sweaty night in the back seat of mom and dad's SUV? With that in mind, I've taken the time to jot down some ideas on the blackboard here. You might want to take some notes while I explain:
Number one: Protecting your identity. Don't go into the store wearing your high school jacket or school colors. That just helps the police, and puts your classmates under a cloud of suspicion. There is a time and a place to show your school pride; this is not one of them.
Instead, protect your identity by wearing a disguise. I suggest a condom... over your entire head. But make certain that when you go to the infirmary, you ask for the large, heavy duty ones. And get a couple extra... just in case. We don't want any accidents here.
Number two: Communication. It is very important that you communicate to the clerk why you are there and what you want. This is why they teach you foreign languages in school. I got only as far as "Este es un robo"; and I got that from watching "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid." So, do as I say, not as I do. You must to learn how to communicate your demands in Spanish, Japanese, and whatever Asian dialect is popular in your neighborhood. This is what they mean by "community standards." Go with the flow.
Number three: Go for the green. Take as many fives, tens, and twenties as you can. But skip the loose change; a thousand quarters will just slow you down. And don't try to show off by trying to steal the entire cash register. Those things are often bolted down. Besides, trying to explain to your parents a cash register came into your possession could be tricky. We adults may have been born yesterday... but it was early yesterday. Cash registers don't come in a Cracker Jack box.
Number four: The getaway. Any job worth doing is worth doing right; and the job is not done till you're home free. Don't try to escape on foot. Gees, haven't you seen those helicopter chase scenes on television? No one ever gets away on foot. And don't wear roller blades, either. While that might help you get away, if you go sailing into the store wearing a pair of those, you're likely to fly right into the freezer. Do it right; make your escape by taxi cab. That way, even if you do get caught, you can say that the cab driver made you do it. You know the line: you're a victim.
So that ought to be enough for 3-4 weeks; after all, we don't want to overwhelm the little darlings. To round out the course, you might want to conduct a field trip. Send some of the more experienced students (you know... a couple with long rap sheets) to scout out a dimly lit convenience store on a main road, and then take the entire class there to allow them to become familiar with the surroundings. The more exposure they've had, the better they'll be. And that is the goal, isn't it?
After all, kids are going to rob convenience stores; there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop them. So you may as well make sure that they get it right, and that no one gets hurt.
Hey; it's for the children!
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If you like what we're doing here at BBHQ, please help us by buying stuff through our link to Amazon.com:
| The BBHQ Album of the Month is "Old Friends Live on Stage (Deluxe Edition) (2 CD/1 DVD)," by Simon & Garfunkel. If you were fortunate enough to see them in concert last year, I do not have to sell you. The concert was terrific! This album collection includes 55 songs, plus their new recording, "Citizen of the Planet," and one of the songs sung by the Everly Brothers during the concert. The DVD was recorded during their concert in Madison Square Garden in 2003. For any S&G fan, this is a must have! But then, you knew that already, didn't you? |
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The BBHQ Book of the Month is
"Vinyl Highway," by
Dee Dee Phelps. You remember her as Dee Dee, of Dick and Dee Dee.
Together, they took a decade long ride on the rock and roll roller
coaster. It was a heck of a ride! Dick Clark, Quincy Jones, the Beach
Boys, Glenn Campbell, Dionne Warwick, Bobby Vinton... Dick and Dee Dee
rubbed shoulders with all of them. This is her "behind the scenes" story.
It's pretty cool.
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