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| BBHQ Boomer Essays: |
| Our Boomer-In-Charge here at BBHQ, Hershel Chicowitz, writes frequently about current events... from a boomer perspective. He is sometimes funny, sometimes provocative, sometimes a little of each. We hope you get a kick out of our Boomer Essays. |
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The stories of shark attacks on the east coast of Florida have disturbed me... especially since I have a simple solution to the problem. I am eager to share it with you, but I have to give you a little background first. I should warn you, though; this may be too intense for some readers.
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When I was a kid we spent every summer on the east coast of Florida.
We went to the beach nearly every day, and to the boardwalk at Daytona
Beach nearly every evening. It was wonderful; a kid's dream come true. Occasionally I would fish off the pier at Ormond Beach, just north of Daytona. I was not very good at it and not particularly enthusiastic about it. I hated putting the frozen shrimp bait on the hook. But that was how the game was played, so I played the game. Still, something did not seem right about it. |
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One day I caught a small fish, put it in my pail and took it home. (Ya'
gotta look hard, but it is there.) I donno... I was going to keep it as a
pet or something. But the next day when I went outside and looked at the
pail, the fish was dead. My mother explained that the fish was a
saltwater fish and I had put it in a pail of fresh water. So... a few
days later when I caught another one, I put it in the pail and dumped
some table salt into the water. Yep... you guessed it... same result.
This was not encouraging. The next time I caught a fish our neighbor showed me how to clean, cut, cook, and eat the fish. He thought it was terrific. This was the first fish I had ever cleaned, cut, cooked, or eaten. But still, something just did not seem right about the whole thing. |
Now... my father was a surgeon; he was accustomed to cutting things open. I had even watched him perform minor surgery a few times. But trust me, he did not EAT what he cut open. This just did not seem right. Besides, the fish tasted a bit like... chicken... only wetter.
| Now, you may think this is a coincidence, but the next day the beach was hit by a wave of Portuguese Man-of-War fish. These are nasty buggers that sting you like a jellyfish... only more often, but not as deadly. These things did a nasty job on your legs, ankles or whatever part of your body was in the water. The beach was closed for several days while this school of Dennis the Menace marine life juvenile delinquents swam up and down the beach like a bunch of hotrodders cruising the strip. | 
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Hey... this was my vacation they were messing with! We're wasting valuable summer vacation time here.
So, while I waited for the fish to get over their temper tantrum, I thought about it, and made a deal with the god of the fishes. I promised that if they did not bite me, I would not bite them.
| A couple days later... the beach was safe for bathing. I never fished again, and the Portuguese Man-of-War never menaced me. Oh, they came back to the beach, but they never bothered me. A few weeks later there was a sign on the beach warning bathers of the fish. It looked like that scene in "Jaws" when everyone was having a fine time at the beach, but no one had the guts to go in the water. Well, I did, and everything was great. A few other people timidly wandered in about three feet, screamed, and then ran to the shore. I had a wonderful time. |
So there was a lesson to be learned from this, a lesson I follow to this day. I do not eat fish, and they do not eat me. I am faithful to them, and they have been completely faithful to me. I go in the water whenever and wherever I want, and worry not. (Of course, more often than not, the water I go into is the swimming pool at the Holiday Inn, but the point is still the same.) I do not eat them, and they do not eat me.
I look at the sharks as the enforcers of the deal, the equivalent of the Strategic Defense Initiative (SDI), if you will. They enforce the rules on those who do not keep with the program.
The Portuguese Man-of-War fish were OK 25 years ago; but the sharks are the 21st century SDI of the Atlantic seaboard.
And I... I am peacefully immune. I am... at one... with nature.
Hey, it works; it has worked for over a quarter of a century. You gonna' knock a record of success like that?
I realize this is not the prescription that the folks at Red Lobster Restaurant would prefer. But this is not about appeasing Red Lobster. This is about preserving the human species. Besides, doesn't the term "red lobster," all by itself, seem a little cruel and sadistic? Think about it: red... lobster. I have great sympathy for the lobsters. I think they know it, too. Occasionally when I walk past the fresh lobster tank at the grocery store, I see one of them wink at me. They do not see me as a threat... correctly so.
Now, I know what you are thinking: if I am going to be so considerate of the fish, shouldn't I do the same for the cows and the chicken? Shouldn't I become a strict vegetarian, if only to be consistent.
Not at all.
I have no such arrangement with either the cows or the chicken. We travel at our own risk. That is why you will never see me wandering freely in a cow pasture or romping through the chicken coop. That is out of bounds for me. I understand the nature of the deal. I am sorry if the cows and the chicken do not. That is their problem, not mine.
So the solution to the shark problem is simply for everyone who wants to go in the water to make and stick to the same deal I did. You do not eat them; they will not eat you. If you do not like the deal, swim at your own risk, or stay out of the water.
And that includes the swimming pool at the Holiday Inn. Those sharks do get around.
Ah, hand me another chicken leg there, will ya', Hoss?
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| The BBHQ Album of the Month is "Old Friends Live on Stage (Deluxe Edition) (2 CD/1 DVD)," by Simon & Garfunkel. If you were fortunate enough to see them in concert last year, I do not have to sell you. The concert was terrific! This album collection includes 55 songs, plus their new recording, "Citizen of the Planet," and one of the songs sung by the Everly Brothers during the concert. The DVD was recorded during their concert in Madison Square Garden in 2003. For any S&G fan, this is a must have! But then, you knew that already, didn't you? |
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The BBHQ Book of the Month is
"Vinyl Highway," by
Dee Dee Phelps. You remember her as Dee Dee, of Dick and Dee Dee.
Together, they took a decade long ride on the rock and roll roller
coaster. It was a heck of a ride! Dick Clark, Quincy Jones, the Beach
Boys, Glenn Campbell, Dionne Warwick, Bobby Vinton... Dick and Dee Dee
rubbed shoulders with all of them. This is her "behind the scenes" story.
It's pretty cool.
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