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BBHQ Boomer Essays:

Cell Phones and Other Crimes and Misdemeanors

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The same principle applies to texting while driving. As I understand it, sophisticated texters hold their phone with the palms of both hands and text with their thumbs. OK, so how you gonna’ steer the car, with your elbows?! Still, the penalty should fit the crime. Caught texting while sending a sweet, Mothers’ Day greeting to mom: you get off with a slap on the thumbs. Texting a response to Dennis Miller’s rant on Bill O’Reilly’s “The O’Reilly Factor” on Fox News: you lose cell phone, driver’s license, and access to Fox Cable News for 18 months. This is serious stuff, people!



As we all know, the evidence is building that cell phones are an annoyance in restaurants, theatres and other public places, and a serious danger in automobiles. Well, I want it noted for the record that I have been against those high-tech electronic leashes since they first came on the scene. Like so many technological innovations, cell phones were at first a novelty, then a status symbol, a convenience, a necessity, an entitlement... and now, a flipping nuisance and dangerous menace to our society!

Many times I have told my friend and political sparring partner, Phyllis, that I do not hate anyone, not even Bill Clinton. But I am ready to make an exception: I hate everyone with a cell phone. And that means you, too. You know who you are; I hate you.

So, much as I hate big government (now there is a record.... "hate" thrust viciously twice in the same essay), it is going to take big government to rid us of this ugly, intrusive and dangerous blight on society. It is time for federal action: a federal law, a constitutional amendment, an executive order... I don't care.... just ban the suckers!!

"Any driver using a cell phone while operating a moving vehicle (automobile, motorcycle, RV, SUV, bicycle, skateboard, roller blades, golf cart or shopping cart - yes, a shopping cart - those suckers are the equivalent of hand-driven torpedoes!) shall be guilty of a violation of federal law and subject to a prison sentence of up to 36 months and/or a fine of up to $3,500."

Don't give me this crap about rights... driving is a privilege, not a right! Second offense: you lose your privilege for five years.

Oh, and another thing... if you even place a phone call to someone who answers your call while using a cell phone and engaged in any one of the activities identified above, you are an accessory to a federal crime. You face punishment, too! That ought to make you think twice. Is that call really necessary?

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